Slightly Perplexed

"You can scream out loud but your pain falls on deaf ears."

; Built For Sin by Framing Hanley.

September is coming to an end and I’ve to say that it has been the worst month. People have showed their true colors ; Betrayers, liars, hypocrites, impertinent youths, etc..

My vulnerability is worse than before. And, the effects of my downfalls tend to be very perturbing at times.

The title “The Worst Month” was bestowed upon September cause, let’s say, everything was out of my expectations. I lost (not in a deathly way) a best friend of a year plus whom I trusted and loved so much. Shit happened and I think we realized that we couldn’t bear anymore after 9 months of arguments going on and off. Now, we’re not really on speaking terms anymore.

I think love left me a long time ago. I tend to screw things up unintentionally and the result of it has always been incredibly f-ed up, I kid you not. It just isn’t fair you know. The words that exited your mouth were hard for me to believe cause from my perspective, everything seems to be rightly proven. Actions speak louder than words, yes? And it seems that actions have been making my points clear.

Miracles should pay me a visit more often like maybe.. right now?

You might realize this post on my Tumblr too. Yeah, heh.

"I Hope You Will Be With Me Forever"

2010 is not my year. Not just because I'll be sitting for PMR. 'Til now, everything seems to go wrong. I think luck doesn't revolve around me.


Boy,
I'm not sure if you'll come across this post or not but well, if you do, I'm just getting everything off my chest and mind.
I knew that things will go wrong sooner or later. It's just natural for me to be prone to disasters. That's what have been happening to me for the past 3 years. I just tend to screw things up without me knowing. I told you, you'll regret knowing me cause in the end I'll just be a pain in the ass. You might be saying to yourself, "If she could predict these things, why didn't she try to change? Learn from the mistakes?". I have no answer to that. I think I'm just so stupid, so I tend to forget the mistakes I did.

You came into my life just like that. You were that person I'd love to call as my best friend. But then things started to go into a different direction. That was when I realized you weren't just a best friend. You meant something more than that. You were someone I cared so much, someone I wouldn't get tired of, just someone that meant the whole world to me. I don't think words can completely describe everything.

I fell for you way before Sunday. I'm sorry but you caught me off guard that night. I should have said something but I just couldn't. It was like my voice box suddenly dysfunction. Mixed feelings and emotions struck. I wanted to say the same thing but I don't know what held me back. The feeling of guilt was at the peak of the Guilt-O-Meter. I even slapped myself for not saying anything. I thought I still had time to call and tell you how I felt that night, but no, you started to treat me differently. If only you waited for a little while like an hour or two.. If only.

Moving on was the only option huh? Waiting wasn't the option at all. I hoped for you to wait, but what the heck, when it comes to me, hoping is just a waste of time.

All this while, I wished for a second chance. But you're just not a fan of giving second chances. So that's just the perfect cue for me to let it all go and move on. If only moving on is easy, nothing will be a problem. Plus, I'm not your type of girl right? Yeah.

I've sacrificed a lot of things for you. I sneaked my way out of the house just to see you. I moved on from that guy because of you. I dropped a few things just to see you. What else? Hmm call me pathetic for doing those things for you. I deserve to be called 'pathetic', don't I?

Put aside the fact that I have feelings for you. I don't wanna lose you as a friend cause it's hard to find a guy as devoted as you. But to be honest, I decided to put a fullstop to everything not just because of that girl. I just don't want you to deal with me anymore. I'm just the definition of pain. I'm the definition of "waste of time". You wouldn't wanna waste your time on a fifteen years old girl like me. You're actually better off without me.

I'm sorry for all of the misunderstandings, accusations, assumptions, harsh words, wrong doings. I'm sorry for wasting your time all along. I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'm sorry for wasting your petrol. I'm sorry for being unfair to you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for being such a bitch. I'm sorry for being so immature. I'm sorry for being so stupid. I'm sorry for being stubborn all the time. I'm sorry for being that girl you might look down upon now.

Yet,

Thanks for being there for me from the start. Thanks for those opinions and advices. Thanks for all the times we spent. Thanks for your attempts to cheer me up. Thanks for cracking me up. Thanks for caring. Thanks for listening to my rants. Thanks for being understanding all the time. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for being such a devoted friend.
And thanks for making me move on. I thought it was impossible for me to forget him but when you came into the picture, you made me realize that moving on from him wasn't as impossible as I thought it would be.

I might regret for what I did but as if I can do anything about it right? As if I'll get another chance to make things right again.

Take care, 15.

201. People change. Feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

Whistle For The Choir

I'm in love with music. I can't live a day without listening to music.

There are some people who don't give a shit about music. They listen to it in the car or just when they get the chance. But me, as I wake up, if I have nothing to do, I'll just stay in bed, plug on my earphones and turn on the music.
Music connects with my mood. When I'm utterly pissed off, screamo helps. When I'm down, emo songs help. Thank God I'm a universal listener.

"Some people believe in God, I believe in music. Some people pray, I turn up the radio."

; A girl from Closer To The Edge by 30 Seconds To Mars.

Some people's passion in music can just go overboard, no?

To me, it's not fair for people to judge someone's interest in music.
For example, I'm into screamos. But some people tend to judge, like "It's not okay for a girl to listen to screamos. Where's your feminine side?".
Listening to screamos has nothing to do with our personality. It's the interest that counts, you shallow-minded people.
It annoys me to my guts when people tend to judge me based on my interest in music. It's not even a crime nor wrong.

I don't have an interest in a specific genre. I love anything that makes my ears jizz. Eargasm, you know.

1) Bring Me The Horizon - The Sadness Will Never End
As you see "Bring Me The Horizon", I bet the first thing that crosses your mind is, "This isn't music ! This is just a guy named Oliver Sykes, screaming his voice box out". Okay. Last time, when I listened to Bring Me The Horizon, I thought they were horrible ! Have you tried listening to Chelsea Smile? Pray For Plagues? Rawrrrr! ? I swear they were all horrible to me. But, try listening to them when you're pissed off. I swear, it calms you down a bit from all the rage.
Their new song, It Never Ends isn't that bad. They're a bit different now. They're not as bad as last time, really. The Sadness Will Never End is definitely my favorite.

2) Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream
Their first song that I listened to was We Are The People. At first, it sounded weird to me. But after awhile, I just love it. Walking On A Dream is just too good. Eargasm, definitely ! Who else tells you that "we are always running for the thrill of it" ?

3) Passion Pit
Give it a try ! Listen to To Kingdom Come, Sleepyhead and Little Secrets. They're so catchy, I love.

You see, I listen to songs that sound weird too. As long as they're catchy, good lyrics, then fine with me.
And oh, I can never get tired of Avenged Sevenfold. They deserve gazillions of thumbs up !

Happy Eid Mubarak

This won't be a decent post. It'll be a short, simple one cause I'm too lazy to post something bombastic, y'know.
Anyway, Happy Eid Mubarak people !
This year's Raya spirit is nowhere to be found. And yes, it turned to be quite boring. Worse, we didn't take any family pictures. That picture with my grandma is the only picture I have. Sad, no?
Anyway, I hope all of you have a tremendous Raya ! Feast on all those lemangs and rendang, screw the weighing machine. This is not the time to go on a diet.
Be thrifty with the money you get, alright ?
xx

Deep Down

"We all learn to make mistakes and run from them, from them, with no direction."

; Misguided Ghosts by Paramore.

I'm just waiting for the time to fly faster, so that I can call Dydy. Ranting session awaits. In the mean time, I'm gonna blog. 'Cause almost every human being around me tends to annoy my guts right now.

Tonight is not really a good night for the most of us. I'm not the only one feeling like I'm six feet under depression and frustration. Such a good start for holiday, ain't it ? Mmm.
But, I've planned to make everything clear tonight. A free mind will definitely make my days far better. I'm too tired to go through another day with an unsettled problem. I'm in need of a peaceful holiday. Really, who wants to walk around with problems that have the weight of the world on their shoulders ? I just want to shrug this feeling and these problems off my shoulders. I need to take a breather, I need a time-out from all these bullshits.

To be frank, I'm the kind of person who hates changes. I know, everything, everyone changes in the end. But I just hate it so much. Especially when everything changes to the worst.
Like I said, when my friends change into someone I dislike, I say nothing. I keep my mouth shut but at the same time, I drift away from them. That's just the way it is, it doesn't matter if you like it or not. My parents raise me up well and one of their advices is ; Choose your friends. As they change into someone you dislike, drift away. It's not your loss.

I drifted away from my best friend of 5 years cause I just can't accept him for who he is right now. People might say like, "Omg, masalah gila Hazwani ni. Biar lah dia nak jadi macam mana pun, hidup dia kot. Apa masalah". You people can stick to your thoughts, I don't give a shit.
I think this is just a problem of acceptance. I can't accept him for who he is, I always think of every single thing he does as a mistake. I don't know. It feels so wrong.
To be honest, even though we haven't been on speaking terms for a few months now, I still do care about him. I mean c'mon, who can easily not care about a best friend of 5 years right ? Not me, I suppose.

This has to stop, I have to shrug this feelings off my shoulders, and tonight will be the night. I can never get along with depression and frustration, really. So I'm putting an end to it tonight.. Maybe.