Silence, Kill Me Softly

"I am in misery. There ain't no other who can comfort me."

; Maroon 5 - Misery

It's either I've lost faith in humanity or humanity ain't acting nice to me. We all know, nothing's perfect. Perfection is not real. But when someone actually thinks something is perfect, that probably is right from one's point of view, get me ? Generally speaking, nothing is perfect. Some things have to be wrong at some point of view.

Everyone has their own ways of rolling and dealing with things. If people actually have a problem with how you deal with things, it's their problem. Why should you care ? As long as you think what you're doing is right, as long as you don't feel like you're carrying guilt with the weight of the world on your shoulders, then it's fine.
My mom taught me to make my own decisions cause what we decide is better than asking for people's decisions. So screw you if you have a problem with how I deal with things.

We all know that everyone changes. When that happens, there's no one left that's real. I get the whole Everyone-Changes phase. I'm fine with it if you don't change into someone I dislike, into someone who's the complete opposite of you. I've been seeing my friends change into someone that I don't even tend to know. I'm used to it, believe it or not ? Last time, I'd give a flying tuck and try to confront them. But that's the past. I'm done. I have a new policy. I won't do anything, I'll just drift away. So when that happens, when I start to not talk to any of you out of a sudden, you know why.

Betrayal and hypocrisy. Ah probably the "it" thing, huh ? Apology won't cure this, apology isn't the medicine. You think it's so easy to be forgiven when you've betrayed someone, when you've became a hypocrite ? Knock your head twice with a rock or something and call yourself a moron. I don't provide second chances when you've betrayed me okay :) Some people are just so generous to give a second chance. I wonder, how could you trust a betrayer, a hypocrite ? How different people are right ?

A friend of mine said, "Accept people for who they are if you want them to accept you for who you are". Easier said than done, no ?

My mind is messed up. I have a best friend whom I've known for a year plus and he's not himself anymore. The way he treats me, the way we communicate, just not right.
I have a girl friend whom I'm not sure to trust or not. She is a good friend, to be frank. But you know what rumors can do right ?
Another best friend of mine ain't the same person anymore. Same shit all over again. I'm sick of this, I'm tired. Problems come after one and another, non-stop. Gimme some space, I need to take a breather !

This post is such a waste of time. This is my comeback, mhmm. Sickness, begone ! Problems, begone !

Deceptacon

Who took the bomp from the bompalompalomp?
Who took the ram from the ramalamadingdong?

Pfft who has the time and mood to blog on holidays ? Well, not me, that's for sure. This is just one of those moments where my mojo stops by, you know ? Okay, I'm talking nonsense.

Are you enjoying your holidays ? I.. am sorta enjoying it. Things are starting to get back into place, thank God for that. I tend not to take every single thing my mom says seriously and on the bright side, my parents haven't been troublesome for the past few days. So, things are cool. All of the problems I had are settled, albeit I still have doubts and all. Mhmm it's okay.

My bitch, Dydy was back on the 2nd of June, Wednesday. Of course I was ecstatic ! I thought I would not see her for 10 months, since she'll be back after PMR. Thanks to her mom for having some work to do here :B
On the day she arrived, I met her straight away. After tuition, I walked to her house and hung out there til 8. The next day, I picked her up right after school hahaha. Spent our time taking pictures and all before going to Rasta and met up with Luen. Izreen came late.
On Friday, we had a sleepover at Sabrina's with Sofia, Dydy, Hanna and of course, Sabrina. It was the shiz ! We had Science class so Dydy came after the class. Thanks to her camera kit, we took a lot of kick-ass pictures :D Burst into fits of laughter playing Human Hamburger, where all of us had to lie on each other. Pity to whomever that had to be the last person (the one who was on the bed) cause when everyone was on top of each other, oh God, so heavy okay ! But we still had time to laugh our asses off. I have no idea why. It was such a great laughing session, I swear. We slept around 4am. The 5 of us, on a queen-sized bed. Imagine that ! Macam ikan sardin HAHA. Woke up at 7.30am since Sabrina's dad wanted to treat us breakfast. Unfortunately, Dydy had a jogging date with her sister and Hanna had to go early. So there were only me, Sofia, Sabrina and her dad. Nasi Lemak at Village Park was aahh, mouth-watering ! I'll drag my parents there someday.

I love you, bitch ♥

Human hamburger !

*more pictures on Facebook*

Now, I'm dire need of an outing. I gotta spend my time with Sabrina Sofia Sarah and the others, Miera Harisah Shar Azi and the guys, and oh, Erin Safwat Faiq and Azim.
Get well soon Erin's grandmother ! :)
Went out with twins, Harisah, Luen and Izreen last Wednesday. Met Dani and Sofea too ! It was our first meet and oh I was glad to meet them :)
Stopped by Farhan's birthday for less than 10 minutes. I have my reasons. Spent time with my favorite bunch, met up with Dani and Sofea once in awhile. Went home around 7 then off to Rasta around 8 with my two favorite people. Settled a few things there, my brother picked me up at 10. Joined him at Chidas with his friends. I just realized that his friends are awesome. Crazy yet friendly. Well that wasn't their first time meeting me or something but they didn't put me aside you know. So it was alright. Watched them play UNO. It wasn't like any other normal games okay, hahaha. Funny ! We decided to head home at 11.30 and I was exhausted.

Books aren't my best friend this holidays. I do feel guilty but hey, I need a time out. Everyone needs a time out. Stop creeping me out with the "OMG you're gonna sit for PMR in another 4 months or less !". Imma cut you *Bonquiqui style*

Geez louise, this post is such a waste of time and inappropriate !

On repeat ;
i) Le Tigre - Deceptacon
ii) David Ryan Harris - Get Used To This
iii) Jesse Barrera - Tangled Up
iv) Mayday Parade - The Memory
v) Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You

Here We Go Again

"And I'm on my way to believing"

; Paramore - The Only Exception

May said goodbye, June greeted us without a warning. I wasn't armed and ready for June to come and I bet you weren't too. To hell with it, it's already here and let's wish for June to be much better than May.
Albeit I'm trying to throw this habit of wishing for a particular month to be better than the previous month, I shall just keep my fingers crossed for things to be better.

It's weird that I always have the mood to update my blog whenever I'm not in the mood, you know what I mean ? No wonder my blog is flooded with emotional posts, mhmm. And just for an early warning, this might be another emo post too. About the usual things y'know. So, beware people, beware !

My Diagnostic result is such a huge bummer. Haven't really gotten all of the papers back but so far, I got 4As and 1B. Screw Science, another 5 more marks, I would get an A :( S'okay, careless mistakes. Imma study harder next time. I kept on saying "Mr. Nathan is going to make me bald if he sees my result !" to Luen and Izreen haha. Even though I got 4As, I'm not satisfied cause well, the marks can drop anytime. They're at the border, danger zone. Mhmm the reason why I received a tirade from mom. Such a perfect way to start off my June.

Mom is worrying the hell out of me. So you have no idea how am I coping with this. It's like there's a burden on my shoulders that has the weight of the world. I can't brag about anything nor can I tell you what's bothering me. I'm out of words about this and I don't think anything can describe how worried I am.

I can't even ask you to convince me that you want to settle this cause from the way I see it, you look like you don't even care. Don't think that I'm assuming this, cause I definitely am not. This is me thinking what I should think from the way I see how things are going. At first you would look like you're trying your best to settle it but after awhile, you give up. Are you pretending to care ? Are you forced to care ? I don't know and I don't think I want to even know. I'm out of ideas cause I've said it numerous times, I am not and will not get any benefits from this. You are. And that's what I want. I never put myself ahead cause I don't know, maybe I care about you more than I care about myself ? Might be such a bollock but I'm not lying.
You can't force me to do what you want me to do cause I've made up my mind. But tell me, do you want things to be the way it used to be cause you actually want to or you just act like you want to fix things just for your own sake, just so that you won't feel messed up anymore ?

Keep in mind : Sometimes goodbye is the only way.

xx

Worlds Away

"How come blessings only come in disguise ?"

; The World Should Revolve Around Me - Little Jackie

When someone doesn't seem to accept you for who you are is annoying. When someone compares you to another person is annoying. When someone doesn't close your door right after they enter your room is annoying. When bad luck keeps kissing your ass is annoying. When someone bosses you around is annoying. When your phone decides to be a bitch is annoying. And the list of annoyance goes on and on.

How is everyone doing ?

I dragged my ass to Youth '10. It was okay but I didn't get the chance to buy a lot of things like I planned to. Felt sad to leave that place moneyless. When I got home, I felt quite unsatisfied with the bag I bought. Haish, sad shiz okay.

This is the last week of school before semester break and I'm stoked. Dydy is coming back for awhile this Wednesday til next Monday. Gosh, I can't wait to see her. I miss her like I miss my pacifier-sucking times ! I joke. I hope my parents give me the green light to go out. I have to spend my time with my favorite people, it's a must :)

You have no idea how hard have I tried cheering myself up. And I am still finding my way out of this mess. I think mom is starting to worry about this drastic change of mine. Losing appetite, locking myself up in my room. I may sound like such an emo kid but hey, don't blame ! I just don't have the appetite to eat, I just want some time alone and yes, I just feel like it.

Now, I shall get some shut-eye, even though it's only 10.45pm. Oh well, I need a rest anyway.
I bid you adieu and goodnight, fellow earthlings xx

Make Way For Compunctions

"I hope it's something worth the waiting, 'cause it's the only thought that I ever feel real."

; From First to Last - Emily

Have you ever gone through that moment when you want things to be alright so so much ? You reminisce the old times and hope for things to be just like how it used to be. But after thinking about it thoroughly, you know everything's impossible. Screw Nike for saying Nothing Is Impossible, I just proved it wrong. I thought it is possible for things to be a-okay, to be back on track, to be fine you know. After trying so hard, nothing seems to change. So, where's the possibility in that now ? Gone with the wind perhaps.

I don't know what to think about. I'm tired of sleepless nights, being cranky, feeling messed up and whatnot. I'm only fifteen and this is not how a fifteen year old girl should feel like. People might say, this is a challenge from God, this is how life supposed to be. Yes, I know that but should I be like this ? To not get the rest I should get, to not get to live a day without thinking about these problems, to not get to be happy as in extremely happy and whatnot.
I don't even know that this feeling exists. It's like there's a huge obstacle blocking your way and you have no idea how to get through it. No matter how much you try, you just don't get to achieve that particular goal. Not to mention, the disappointment is just unbearable to handle.

Family comes first, right ? How am I suppose to think of it that way when everything seems to be falling apart ? I'm dead worried of mom's sickness. I even felt like dropping school, take home school so that I can take care of her. Yes, I'm serious, I thought of that. She gave my brother and I the lecture about her being sick and all. I have to admit, I felt like crying and I do feel like crying right now. The pain that she has to bear with and to see how weak she is, just unbearable for me. But what can I do ? I am just another weak, vulnerable human being that can't handle things the right way.
My sister looks fine but I know deep down, she's messed up too. Financial problem and worrying about mom. Unfortunately, she's the kind that doesn't tell people about her problems. So I won't waste my time on asking.

I worry about people too much that I don't even have time to worry about myself. Even if I do have time, I won't even give a flying tuck. Of course, mom said that we should be selfish once in awhile and we should care about ourselves. I just have no idea why I don't have that feeling of giving a flying tuck about myself. I feel like, why bother caring about myself ? I don't mind going through misery and all, just as long as I don't hurt myself, then it's okay. Mhmm that's why.

Remorse, that's how I feel at the moment too. 'Til today, you have no idea how much do I regret making that decision. But I just had to. That's why I'm letting it all out right here. 'Cause I have no one to talk to anymore. The only person who understands me, who knows what I'm going through, who would listen to me babbling, who would be a listener, who wouldn't mind listening to me letting out my problems while crying, who is just a very dear friend, is nowhere to be found anymore.

Now tell me, for a pessimist to face these things, how possible is it to be optimistic ? How possible is it to assure myself that things are going to be alright ? Albeit I think you can never fathom this, just tell me how.

Just Stand Up And Scream

"Like vines we intertwined. Carelessly growing up and growing old. Life was on our tongues. It tasted heavenly so good."

; The Hush Sound - We Intertwined

Farhana Hadi's status : The Hush Sound ; The girl version of Death Cab for Cutie.
HECK YEAH, couldn't agree more baby ;)

I am actually taking a break. Okay I'm lying. I just had this sudden urge to blog. Yes, be surprised ! My mojo is super strong.
It's weird that whenever I have the urge to blog is when I'm so blank. Whilst when I'm too lazy to blog is when I have lotsa things to share with you people (I doubt there are followers though)

Anyhoooo,
Diagnostic is coming to an end, thank God. 9 papers down, 3 more to annihilate. History paper was dope, my brain failed on me, it died the second my eyes read the first question. It proves that my brain hates History just like I do ;) I wasted my time panicking on Indices, but it was missing in action. Yes, paper 1 had no questions on Indices. Sigh ! But Circles had to ruin everything. I did the questions at the very last minute (Specifically, when teacher said "Masa sudah tamat" HAHA). So, obviously I used my shot gun and tembak everything, pyu pyu pyuu ~ Hopefully I won't see a B for that okay, I might kill myself if that happens.

My tummy is grumbling, I might just raid the kitchen like Yogi Bear, grr !

Thanks to my lads and Harisah, I'm listening to screamos again. Asking Alexandria, Of Mice & Men, etc. Of course, Luen sings in school every day. That's why I'm hooked to the songs that he always sings. Curse you, Irish lad ! Okay joke joke, love you. John Mayer every day like yeah ♥
Party in my bedroom every day too cause I'll turn on techno songs, full blast baby ! David Guetta's new song Gettin' Over You featuring Fergie, Chris Willis & LMFAO is the shiz, Benny Benassi's Sweet Dreams and Satisfaction, The Bloody Beetroots, Steve Aoki, and the list goes on and on. Come over and you won't even want to step into Zouk HAHA

Mom realizes that I've been stressed lately, due to the lack of food intake and it has been hard for me to fall asleep. So she said, "Whatever that's in your mind, whatever that's disturbing you, don't think about it. You can't torture yourself like this just because things aren't on the right track. But remember not to blame anyone or anything". So I told her that I made a decision for someone's sake, not giving a damn about my own sake. She said, "Why did you that ? The first thing you need to care is yourself. Of course it sounds selfish but you can't care about other people first, then yourself. There are things that you need to be selfish. Like now, you decided on something that you think it's for someone's sake, that person's happy but what about your happiness ? Think about it". Yes, I remember every single thing she said and yes, that shut me up. I'm lucky to have someone that can read me, understand me, sense my mood and whatnot ♥

This is such an inappropriate post. So boring and nonsensical. I should be studying but no no no, my mood to study is still in Far Away land. This reminds me of Shrek ! Imma drag my ass to the cinema to watch Shrek soon, mhmm.
Heck, ain't this a happy post ? It looks like it. So be happy people, smile, wink, show your teeth to everyone ! Unless you have teeth like those pirates, arrrr :B

Formspring me ; http://www.formspring.me/HazwaniAZ

Reproduction is waiting for me. Oops I mean, Science.