Self-Disappointment

Warning : Don't read this post if you're the kind of person who's lazy to read to other people's self-disappointment.

I think you guys know that I've been tad bit emo or not in the mood for the past few days. Wait, not just that. I've been quite anti-social too, right ?
Yeah sorry for that
I can sense the difference in me. If any one of you says that I'm different, I totally agree on that statement
If some of you don't sense that I'm different, maybe because I've been pretending that everything's alright in front of you. And, I'm so sorry for that too

At home, I rarely talk to my parents cause recently, they've been giving me lectures that I can't stand listening to them anymore. If my sister is here, I'll talk to her a bit. Same goes to my brother. That means, most of the time in a day, I spend in my room or just anywhere in this house that's away from people
If there's nowhere I can run away from people, I'll just sit outside in the garden and listen to music
I've been so lazy to text, to pick up any calls, to even video call through MSN. About the video call, sorry Sabrina. I have my reason why, yeah
Like I said, I'm just utterly lazy, I don't know why
It's like I'm running away from everyone. It's like I feel way better on my own, without no one near me or whatsoever. Maybe for some of you, you guys like it better if you're not alone. But right now, I just need some time alone I think ?

Since I'm being all anti-social, and not really communicating with people, I feel like I should clean my room or study. Yknow, just do something good. Other than wasting my time in front of this laptop, online, playing Counter-Strike
But when I wanna start cleaning the room, there comes the lazy mood. Pretty irritating, I know. Speaking of the laziness that strikes whenever I wanna clean my room, can you imagine whenever I wanna study ?
That laziness mood falls on me like a nuclear bomb, mhmm

Because of that, because of 184957236 things circling my mind, I feel stupider each day, lazier each day, lifeless each day. Conclusion is, I feel like I'm getting worse every single day
I've realized that I'm getting ruder towards my parents. Everytime they tell me something, or just lecture me, anything, I'll either close my ears or just distract myself from listening to what they're talking about

I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders ! Truckloads of family problems, a fact that I never wish to face and it needs a lot of strength and courage to face. I admit, I'm not a strong girl to face that friggin' fact. It hurts, as if your heart breaks into millions of pieces
Albeit I feel so lazy to pray and do what a Muslim should do, Izzud told me to pray and read Al-Quran to put my chins up on facing my problems and to turn my frown upside down
Thanks but I feel like.. Kena hasut gila gila. Maybe I do have to fight it and be strong, huh ?

Dammit, after writing all of that, I feel like I'm totally a spoiled girl. What a bummer. Just because of the dramas I've been going through recently, a lot of things have changed in me, in my life, everything
I've made and lost a few friends too and that, brought difference too. Yes, I don't care that I've lost a few friends. I care when it changes me into someone that I never wish I would be. For example, the few arguements I had, made me be someone who curses like nobody's business. No, I don't like to curse but it has been a habit
About hot-tempered, I don't know if I still am or not. Luen said, I've been pretty calm for the past few days cause I didn't hit anyone other than Harisah.

I want my old self back. I want to be calm. I want to be free from problems. I want to have a free mind
I don't want my mind to be filled with problems. I don't want to be a girl who does things that she shouldn't do. I just want to be normal and have a good life, that's all.