Saturday, September 25, 2010

Slightly Perplexed

"You can scream out loud but your pain falls on deaf ears."

; Built For Sin by Framing Hanley.

September is coming to an end and I’ve to say that it has been the worst month. People have showed their true colors ; Betrayers, liars, hypocrites, impertinent youths, etc..

My vulnerability is worse than before. And, the effects of my downfalls tend to be very perturbing at times.

The title “The Worst Month” was bestowed upon September cause, let’s say, everything was out of my expectations. I lost (not in a deathly way) a best friend of a year plus whom I trusted and loved so much. Shit happened and I think we realized that we couldn’t bear anymore after 9 months of arguments going on and off. Now, we’re not really on speaking terms anymore.

I think love left me a long time ago. I tend to screw things up unintentionally and the result of it has always been incredibly f-ed up, I kid you not. It just isn’t fair you know. The words that exited your mouth were hard for me to believe cause from my perspective, everything seems to be rightly proven. Actions speak louder than words, yes? And it seems that actions have been making my points clear.

Miracles should pay me a visit more often like maybe.. right now?

You might realize this post on my Tumblr too. Yeah, heh.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

"I Hope You Will Be With Me Forever"

2010 is not my year. Not just because I'll be sitting for PMR. 'Til now, everything seems to go wrong. I think luck doesn't revolve around me.


Boy,
I'm not sure if you'll come across this post or not but well, if you do, I'm just getting everything off my chest and mind.
I knew that things will go wrong sooner or later. It's just natural for me to be prone to disasters. That's what have been happening to me for the past 3 years. I just tend to screw things up without me knowing. I told you, you'll regret knowing me cause in the end I'll just be a pain in the ass. You might be saying to yourself, "If she could predict these things, why didn't she try to change? Learn from the mistakes?". I have no answer to that. I think I'm just so stupid, so I tend to forget the mistakes I did.

You came into my life just like that. You were that person I'd love to call as my best friend. But then things started to go into a different direction. That was when I realized you weren't just a best friend. You meant something more than that. You were someone I cared so much, someone I wouldn't get tired of, just someone that meant the whole world to me. I don't think words can completely describe everything.

I fell for you way before Sunday. I'm sorry but you caught me off guard that night. I should have said something but I just couldn't. It was like my voice box suddenly dysfunction. Mixed feelings and emotions struck. I wanted to say the same thing but I don't know what held me back. The feeling of guilt was at the peak of the Guilt-O-Meter. I even slapped myself for not saying anything. I thought I still had time to call and tell you how I felt that night, but no, you started to treat me differently. If only you waited for a little while like an hour or two.. If only.

Moving on was the only option huh? Waiting wasn't the option at all. I hoped for you to wait, but what the heck, when it comes to me, hoping is just a waste of time.

All this while, I wished for a second chance. But you're just not a fan of giving second chances. So that's just the perfect cue for me to let it all go and move on. If only moving on is easy, nothing will be a problem. Plus, I'm not your type of girl right? Yeah.

I've sacrificed a lot of things for you. I sneaked my way out of the house just to see you. I moved on from that guy because of you. I dropped a few things just to see you. What else? Hmm call me pathetic for doing those things for you. I deserve to be called 'pathetic', don't I?

Put aside the fact that I have feelings for you. I don't wanna lose you as a friend cause it's hard to find a guy as devoted as you. But to be honest, I decided to put a fullstop to everything not just because of that girl. I just don't want you to deal with me anymore. I'm just the definition of pain. I'm the definition of "waste of time". You wouldn't wanna waste your time on a fifteen years old girl like me. You're actually better off without me.

I'm sorry for all of the misunderstandings, accusations, assumptions, harsh words, wrong doings. I'm sorry for wasting your time all along. I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'm sorry for wasting your petrol. I'm sorry for being unfair to you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for being such a bitch. I'm sorry for being so immature. I'm sorry for being so stupid. I'm sorry for being stubborn all the time. I'm sorry for being that girl you might look down upon now.

Yet,

Thanks for being there for me from the start. Thanks for those opinions and advices. Thanks for all the times we spent. Thanks for your attempts to cheer me up. Thanks for cracking me up. Thanks for caring. Thanks for listening to my rants. Thanks for being understanding all the time. Thanks for not giving up on me. Thanks for being such a devoted friend.
And thanks for making me move on. I thought it was impossible for me to forget him but when you came into the picture, you made me realize that moving on from him wasn't as impossible as I thought it would be.

I might regret for what I did but as if I can do anything about it right? As if I'll get another chance to make things right again.

Take care, 15.


201. People change. Feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Whistle For The Choir



I'm in love with music. I can't live a day without listening to music.
There are some people who don't give a shit about music. They listen to it in the car or just when they get the chance. But me, as I wake up, if I have nothing to do, I'll just stay in bed, plug on my earphones and turn on the music.
Music connects with my mood. When I'm utterly pissed off, screamo helps. When I'm down, emo songs help. Thank God I'm a universal listener.

"Some people believe in God, I believe in music. Some people pray, I turn up the radio."

; A girl from Closer To The Edge by 30 Seconds To Mars.

Some people's passion in music can just go overboard, no?

To me, it's not fair for people to judge someone's interest in music.
For example, I'm into screamos. But some people tend to judge, like "It's not okay for a girl to listen to screamos. Where's your feminine side?".
Listening to screamos has nothing to do with our personality. It's the interest that counts, you shallow-minded people.
It annoys me to my guts when people tend to judge me based on my interest in music. It's not even a crime nor wrong.

I don't have an interest in a specific genre. I love anything that makes my ears jizz. Eargasm, you know.

1) Bring Me The Horizon - The Sadness Will Never End
As you see "Bring Me The Horizon", I bet the first thing that crosses your mind is, "This isn't music ! This is just a guy named Oliver Sykes, screaming his voice box out". Okay. Last time, when I listened to Bring Me The Horizon, I thought they were horrible ! Have you tried listening to Chelsea Smile? Pray For Plagues? Rawrrrr! ? I swear they were all horrible to me. But, try listening to them when you're pissed off. I swear, it calms you down a bit from all the rage.
Their new song, It Never Ends isn't that bad. They're a bit different now. They're not as bad as last time, really. The Sadness Will Never End is definitely my favorite.

2) Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream
Their first song that I listened to was We Are The People. At first, it sounded weird to me. But after awhile, I just love it. Walking On A Dream is just too good. Eargasm, definitely ! Who else tells you that "we are always running for the thrill of it" ?

3) Passion Pit
Give it a try ! Listen to To Kingdom Come, Sleepyhead and Little Secrets. They're so catchy, I love.

You see, I listen to songs that sound weird too. As long as they're catchy, good lyrics, then fine with me.
And oh, I can never get tired of Avenged Sevenfold. They deserve gazillions of thumbs up !

Happy Eid Mubarak


This won't be a decent post. It'll be a short, simple one cause I'm too lazy to post something bombastic, y'know.
Anyway, Happy Eid Mubarak people !
This year's Raya spirit is nowhere to be found. And yes, it turned to be quite boring. Worse, we didn't take any family pictures. That picture with my grandma is the only picture I have. Sad, no?
Anyway, I hope all of you have a tremendous Raya ! Feast on all those lemangs and rendang, screw the weighing machine. This is not the time to go on a diet.
Be thrifty with the money you get, alright ?
xx


Friday, September 3, 2010

Deep Down


"We all learn to make mistakes and run from them, from them, with no direction."
; Misguided Ghosts by Paramore.

I'm just waiting for the time to fly faster, so that I can call Dydy. Ranting session awaits. In the mean time, I'm gonna blog. 'Cause almost every human being around me tends to annoy my guts right now.

Tonight is not really a good night for the most of us. I'm not the only one feeling like I'm six feet under depression and frustration. Such a good start for holiday, ain't it ? Mmm.
But, I've planned to make everything clear tonight. A free mind will definitely make my days far better. I'm too tired to go through another day with an unsettled problem. I'm in need of a peaceful holiday. Really, who wants to walk around with problems that have the weight of the world on their shoulders ? I just want to shrug this feeling and these problems off my shoulders. I need to take a breather, I need a time-out from all these bullshits.

To be frank, I'm the kind of person who hates changes. I know, everything, everyone changes in the end. But I just hate it so much. Especially when everything changes to the worst.
Like I said, when my friends change into someone I dislike, I say nothing. I keep my mouth shut but at the same time, I drift away from them. That's just the way it is, it doesn't matter if you like it or not. My parents raise me up well and one of their advices is ; Choose your friends. As they change into someone you dislike, drift away. It's not your loss.

I drifted away from my best friend of 5 years cause I just can't accept him for who he is right now. People might say like, "Omg, masalah gila Hazwani ni. Biar lah dia nak jadi macam mana pun, hidup dia kot. Apa masalah". You people can stick to your thoughts, I don't give a shit.
I think this is just a problem of acceptance. I can't accept him for who he is, I always think of every single thing he does as a mistake. I don't know. It feels so wrong.
To be honest, even though we haven't been on speaking terms for a few months now, I still do care about him. I mean c'mon, who can easily not care about a best friend of 5 years right ? Not me, I suppose.

This has to stop, I have to shrug this feelings off my shoulders, and tonight will be the night. I can never get along with depression and frustration, really. So I'm putting an end to it tonight.. Maybe.

From Fahmi Ismail's blog.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

This Miracle Is Of Ecstatic Fright


"Let this be our little secret. No one needs to know we're feeling, higher and higher and higher."
; Little Secrets by Passion Pit.


You know you're screwed like a Thanks Giving turkey when you have that vision of what will happen if you tell your parents your exam results. Yes, that happened to me just now. My trials result is like poop. I feel like hanging myself but I just can't. It's a sin, and plus, I wanna sit for PMR. Ha ha ha, okay lame.
Anyway, just to shrug this disappointment off my shoulders, Imma tell you my results. Very heartbreaking, I tell you !

BM : 75%
English : 78%
Maths : 85%
Science : 75%
KH : 86%, I think.
Agama : 71%
Geography : 58%
Sejarah : 43%

5As, 1B, 1C, 1D !
You tell me, why shouldn't I feel like committing suicide right now ? Geography and Sejarah haven't been my best friend since form 1. I have no idea how to bond with them :( Gotta work harder, I guess.
I laughed yet still shed tears when teacher told me my marks for Sejarah. But she seemed to have faith in me, so that was a relief a bit :) Gotta spend more time staring at them good-looking books, mhmm ! PMR is in 30 days, I've no time to waste, yeah yeah yeah ~

On a brighter note, tomorrow's the last day of school before we get two weeks break from school. Thanks to Raya celebration ! We are in dire need of a time-out for awhile. But not to worry, I vowed to pay the library a visit once in awhile and not to abandon my books :) I hope I stick to that, cause usually, I'll procrastinate. Then BOOM, I won't stick to my plans and I'll break my vow. I deserve a tight slap for that.. Okay maybe not.
Hopefully, I'll feel guilty if I don't touch any books during the holidays. That way, I will at least study you know. Hehe.

Okay, why the hell am I babbling about studies ? For THIS, I should slap myself.
Hmm school has been like a war zone. Firecrackers exploding everywhere. Even though teacher warned us about playing with firecrackers in school, as usual, as if some people care right ? Boom here, boom there. I wonder, did anyone get a heart attack ? My heart was like pumping 100 times faster when there was a sudden explosion. Bloody arsewipes.

We're left with only 7 days of fasting, then it's Raya ! Yeepideedoo. Time flies by so fast, really. It's like, I blinked and realized that this is the last week of fasting month, wowzers. Sad a bit okay. Thank God it has been a good fasting month :) Aunt Flow paid me a visit for 6 days, haha.
This year's Raya, we're not going back to Negeri Sembilan cause mom has a treatment on the fourth day of Raya. So we'll be celebrating here only. Hihi, I can't wait to devour mom's rendang. Mm, mouth-watering :9 I love the atmosphere during Raya. I can actually feel the togetherness among the family members and all, you know. Ah I just love it when my family and relatives gather in the living room. We'll be reminiscing the old times, laugh about it and tease each other. Then dad will give duit raya to each one of us, as if he's presenting an award. Very formal, I kid you not :')
Omg, I can actually imagine everything ! Haha, unbelievable. Frankly speaking, time really flies by at the speed of light. I feel like it was just a few months ago when I wore my kebaya.

It was the 31st of August a couple of days ago. Which clearly means, our dearest Malaysia has reached it's 53rd year of freedom ! And guess what, it was on the Trending Topics on Twitter (#IHeartMalaysia). Even AJ Rafael wished us Happy Merdeka. And Kimora too ! :') So proud okay.

Okay enough of fantasizing and babbling. I've a date with Geography and my lovely Oreos, omnomnom.
Oh did I tell you, my room's air-conditioner is busted. So I have to sleep in my sister's room when she was still living in this house. It feels so different to sleep alone in some other people's room. I love my bed too much, but I can't do anything about it. Definitely will move back into my room when the air-conditioner is fixed, hehehe :B
Hookay I was about to go right ? Okay, ciao bella xx

Remembering MySpace


I miss doing surveys. It was my favorite thing to do when MySpace wasn't dead yet.

Took this from Harisah's profile


Lets say you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
I don't kiss people (:0

What’s the greatest thing that happened today?
Got back out trials result wasn't great, at all. So, I'd say, singing like there's no tomorrow with Harisah and Luen, and played Bounce on my phone with Azi :)

Do you find smoking unattractive?
I have nothing against smokers or the habit of smoking, but non-smokers definitely are the most attractive, nuff said !

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
Bak kata Harisah : Up yo ass, mofo ! Hahahaha

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Heck yeah, I don't need nicotine and all those deadly substance to live.

Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
Nope.

Do you want to be single?
Why would I want that ? I AM single !

Have you ever dated the same person more than twice?
Hmmmm, nope, don't think so.

Do you consider yourself lucky?
Y-y-yeahh

Who was your last text from and what does it say?
I do nots remembers.

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
Yeap, sad shiz.

Have you ever drank alcohol?
Alcohol-free kay.

Do you have bangs?
No-ho-ho

Have you ever passed out from drinking?
Like I said, I'm alcohol-free, aiyo

Are you mean?
Can't you see this halo on my head ?!

How many people do you trust?
My trust issues make it possible for me to count the amount of people I trust with my fingers.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Sort of.

Do you get mad easily?
It depends on what's it about.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
I don't do kissy kissy ni

Could you handle a long distance relationship?
I don't know. No experience. So yeah, no comment

Is there anyone who doesn’t like you?
No one's perfect to be liked by everyone.

Where is the person you miss the most right now?
Somewhere over the rainbow.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Ee apa kiss kiss ni. Bulan puasa la !

Did you have an exciting last weekend?
Hoho, yeah :)

The last song you heard?
Misguided Ghosts by Paramore. ♥

Sensitive or tough guys?
Both, but not too sensitive kay. :)

Has a friend ever stabbed you in the back?
Of course. And the amount of it is increasing.

Your parents split; would you want to live with your Mom or Dad?
Never thought about it, but most probably... mom

Seven days from now will you be in a relationship?
Hahaha memang tak lah.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?
Mommy's, when I was a kid of course

Take TWO.

What do you think of guys with hair down to their shoulders or lower?
Guys with short hair sorta look better.

Do you know how to play any instruments?
Piano

Are you more spiritual or religious?
Religious of course.

Do you like messing with people when they’re drunk/high/rolling?
I bet I'll like it hahahah

What’s something unique that your school does/has?
Do you expect me to give a positive answer about my school ? I seriously can't think of any right now.

How would you generally describe the people at your school?
Awesome possum 8)

Do you wear contacts/glasses/nonprescription colored contacts?
Glasses ! I wanna wear contacts but I'm scared of the infections.

Where’s your favorite place to get pizza?
Pizza Hut or Dominos. Haha I don't know how to differentiate 'em both.

What do you think of the sour patch kids commercials?
*scratches head

What do you plan on doing for a career?
Doctor :D

Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970’s or earlier?
No, not really.

Who's your celebrity crush(es)?
Unlike other girls, I don't really have this celebrity crush thingymajiggy.

What do you think of fake people?
They can never turn back and become original again. Really, who likes people with plastic-attached attitude and personality ? No one okay.

Whats a song you absolutely hate?
I'm not sure.

Do you have one obsession at a time or multiple obsessions all at once?
Errrr, not sure :s

Your opinions on gay/bi people?
Even though it's against the religion, I have no rights to say anything. It's their lives so, let them live with it.

Ever been to a rave?
No

Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about?
Hahahahahahahaha don't knowsss :p

Can you give an example of a contradiction?
Errrrr..

Did you have any beer this past week?
I haven't had beer for 15 years and 6 months already, woah :O

Are you happy with life?
Despite the downs, life has been treating me well. :)

Could you cry right now?
I've no reason to cry.

Are you a jealous person?
Depends on what to be jealous of

Who do you text the most out of your friends?
No more texting partner.

If you could see one person right now, who would it be?
*insertname*

What were you doing this morning at 7am?
In the toilet

What do you need to be doing right now?
Relax, take it easy ~

Where have you lived throughout your life?
Here :')

Is there anything silver near you?
My headphones

What were you doing at 1 AM this morning?
On the bed, texting with Dani while listening to music.

Do you wear contacts?
Nope, glasses.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Light purple. Haha it's the shirt I got when I was in SK1. Year 2007 :')

Song playing right now?
It Never Ends by Bring Me The Horizon. Hihi

Where were you last Friday night?
Sabrina's crib for Science class, and chilled at home

Do you wear the seat belt in the car?
Sometimes

Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else?
Yes

Next vacation you’re going on?
I'm not sure, but it'll be with my chums. :)

Do you like to text or call more?
Depends on my mood. But usually, I text. Calls, at night je.

What’s the closest blue object to you?
Oreo :D

Do you like the color orange?
Not really.

Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?
No, I love myself for who I am.

What is the weather like today?
Hot. I was parched !

Was your last kiss sober?
Ish ish ishhh, gila la

Where will you be in an hour?
Right here. Anak dara mana boleh merayau malam malam. Lagi lagi pukul 11 lebih, tsk tsk tsk :p Hahahaha

Histories