Consumptions

Conversation with Mama when we were on the way back home from Auntie's house yesterday was deep, really. I mean, how often do you get to talk to your mom about how bruised up you feel deep inside you ? This bruised up feeling I'm talking about has a connection with the post 'Hurry, I'm Falling'
Now I know how cool Mama is about me having a crush on someone. I told her almost everything and in return, she gave me a few advices. Two thumbs up !
Though, I don't know if those advices are helping me or not

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Have you ever wished that you could undo your mistakes ? Your mistakes you did years ago, months ago, weeks ago, days ago, hours ago, minutes ago, and seconds ago. Just all the mistakes you've done
I bet you do wish for that. I mean, who doesn't ? I am wishing for that, right this second
I wish that I haven't make my very own stupid moves. I should've think before I act. If I did everything right, if I though of the consequences, if I just use my brain to think of what's right and what's wrong, this body of mine won't be polluted
I just received a wake up call.
I feel like I wanna go back to my old self. The one who punched the wall, who cuts herself just so that the pain will overrule her body and mind because the pain took her mind off the problems

Who have I become ? Who am I becoming ?
I think that I'm becoming just like those low-life scumbags who don't have a life to live to the fullest.
I feel like a spoiled kid whose parents don't take care of her.
Where do I learn to curse like those people out there ? Whilst sometimes, when I hear them curse like nobody's business, I'll say to myself, "Mulut lasernya !". Padahal, I was and am referring to myself at the same time
Where do I learn to be that cruel, to behave like those people who get theirselves into fights that end up with bruises ?
Where do I learn to relief my stress by doing all sorts of things that will make people judge me, mock me ?
Gather up all the answers, it goes back to square one. There's only one answer, only one. I don't know how to put that answer into words, but the only thing I have to do is blame myself
I'm too stupid to think twice. It goes like, "Okay, benda tu boleh relief stress. Okay lah". I don't go like, "What is or are the consequence(s) ?"
I've just realized that I'm more stupid than I think I was.

I'm out of words. I'm utterly dissapointed of myself, I can't even think straight
Right now, I feel like I wanna let out my feelings to someone, but whenever I wanna let it all out, it's like someone just pushed the pause button. I don't know who to tell, I don't know how to tell, I don't know why can't I just let it out
I seriously feel like I just wanna hurt myself, that's all
And run away from everything. From people, from reality..