"I hope it's something worth the waiting, 'cause it's the only thought that I ever feel real."
; From First to Last - Emily
Have you ever gone through that moment when you want things to be alright so so much ? You reminisce the old times and hope for things to be just like how it used to be. But after thinking about it thoroughly, you know everything's impossible. Screw Nike for saying Nothing Is Impossible, I just proved it wrong. I thought it is possible for things to be a-okay, to be back on track, to be fine you know. After trying so hard, nothing seems to change. So, where's the possibility in that now ? Gone with the wind perhaps.
I don't know what to think about. I'm tired of sleepless nights, being cranky, feeling messed up and whatnot. I'm only fifteen and this is not how a fifteen year old girl should feel like. People might say, this is a challenge from God, this is how life supposed to be. Yes, I know that but should I be like this ? To not get the rest I should get, to not get to live a day without thinking about these problems, to not get to be happy as in extremely happy and whatnot.
I don't even know that this feeling exists. It's like there's a huge obstacle blocking your way and you have no idea how to get through it. No matter how much you try, you just don't get to achieve that particular goal. Not to mention, the disappointment is just unbearable to handle.
Family comes first, right ? How am I suppose to think of it that way when everything seems to be falling apart ? I'm dead worried of mom's sickness. I even felt like dropping school, take home school so that I can take care of her. Yes, I'm serious, I thought of that. She gave my brother and I the lecture about her being sick and all. I have to admit, I felt like crying and I do feel like crying right now. The pain that she has to bear with and to see how weak she is, just unbearable for me. But what can I do ? I am just another weak, vulnerable human being that can't handle things the right way.
My sister looks fine but I know deep down, she's messed up too. Financial problem and worrying about mom. Unfortunately, she's the kind that doesn't tell people about her problems. So I won't waste my time on asking.
I worry about people too much that I don't even have time to worry about myself. Even if I do have time, I won't even give a flying tuck. Of course, mom said that we should be selfish once in awhile and we should care about ourselves. I just have no idea why I don't have that feeling of giving a flying tuck about myself. I feel like, why bother caring about myself ? I don't mind going through misery and all, just as long as I don't hurt myself, then it's okay. Mhmm that's why.
Remorse, that's how I feel at the moment too. 'Til today, you have no idea how much do I regret making that decision. But I just had to. That's why I'm letting it all out right here. 'Cause I have no one to talk to anymore. The only person who understands me, who knows what I'm going through, who would listen to me babbling, who would be a listener, who wouldn't mind listening to me letting out my problems while crying, who is just a very dear friend, is nowhere to be found anymore.
Now tell me, for a pessimist to face these things, how possible is it to be optimistic ? How possible is it to assure myself that things are going to be alright ? Albeit I think you can never fathom this, just tell me how.
I don't know what to think about. I'm tired of sleepless nights, being cranky, feeling messed up and whatnot. I'm only fifteen and this is not how a fifteen year old girl should feel like. People might say, this is a challenge from God, this is how life supposed to be. Yes, I know that but should I be like this ? To not get the rest I should get, to not get to live a day without thinking about these problems, to not get to be happy as in extremely happy and whatnot.
I don't even know that this feeling exists. It's like there's a huge obstacle blocking your way and you have no idea how to get through it. No matter how much you try, you just don't get to achieve that particular goal. Not to mention, the disappointment is just unbearable to handle.
Family comes first, right ? How am I suppose to think of it that way when everything seems to be falling apart ? I'm dead worried of mom's sickness. I even felt like dropping school, take home school so that I can take care of her. Yes, I'm serious, I thought of that. She gave my brother and I the lecture about her being sick and all. I have to admit, I felt like crying and I do feel like crying right now. The pain that she has to bear with and to see how weak she is, just unbearable for me. But what can I do ? I am just another weak, vulnerable human being that can't handle things the right way.
My sister looks fine but I know deep down, she's messed up too. Financial problem and worrying about mom. Unfortunately, she's the kind that doesn't tell people about her problems. So I won't waste my time on asking.
I worry about people too much that I don't even have time to worry about myself. Even if I do have time, I won't even give a flying tuck. Of course, mom said that we should be selfish once in awhile and we should care about ourselves. I just have no idea why I don't have that feeling of giving a flying tuck about myself. I feel like, why bother caring about myself ? I don't mind going through misery and all, just as long as I don't hurt myself, then it's okay. Mhmm that's why.
Remorse, that's how I feel at the moment too. 'Til today, you have no idea how much do I regret making that decision. But I just had to. That's why I'm letting it all out right here. 'Cause I have no one to talk to anymore. The only person who understands me, who knows what I'm going through, who would listen to me babbling, who would be a listener, who wouldn't mind listening to me letting out my problems while crying, who is just a very dear friend, is nowhere to be found anymore.
Now tell me, for a pessimist to face these things, how possible is it to be optimistic ? How possible is it to assure myself that things are going to be alright ? Albeit I think you can never fathom this, just tell me how.
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