Worlds Away

"How come blessings only come in disguise ?"

; The World Should Revolve Around Me - Little Jackie

When someone doesn't seem to accept you for who you are is annoying. When someone compares you to another person is annoying. When someone doesn't close your door right after they enter your room is annoying. When bad luck keeps kissing your ass is annoying. When someone bosses you around is annoying. When your phone decides to be a bitch is annoying. And the list of annoyance goes on and on.

How is everyone doing ?

I dragged my ass to Youth '10. It was okay but I didn't get the chance to buy a lot of things like I planned to. Felt sad to leave that place moneyless. When I got home, I felt quite unsatisfied with the bag I bought. Haish, sad shiz okay.

This is the last week of school before semester break and I'm stoked. Dydy is coming back for awhile this Wednesday til next Monday. Gosh, I can't wait to see her. I miss her like I miss my pacifier-sucking times ! I joke. I hope my parents give me the green light to go out. I have to spend my time with my favorite people, it's a must :)

You have no idea how hard have I tried cheering myself up. And I am still finding my way out of this mess. I think mom is starting to worry about this drastic change of mine. Losing appetite, locking myself up in my room. I may sound like such an emo kid but hey, don't blame ! I just don't have the appetite to eat, I just want some time alone and yes, I just feel like it.

Now, I shall get some shut-eye, even though it's only 10.45pm. Oh well, I need a rest anyway.
I bid you adieu and goodnight, fellow earthlings xx

Make Way For Compunctions

"I hope it's something worth the waiting, 'cause it's the only thought that I ever feel real."

; From First to Last - Emily

Have you ever gone through that moment when you want things to be alright so so much ? You reminisce the old times and hope for things to be just like how it used to be. But after thinking about it thoroughly, you know everything's impossible. Screw Nike for saying Nothing Is Impossible, I just proved it wrong. I thought it is possible for things to be a-okay, to be back on track, to be fine you know. After trying so hard, nothing seems to change. So, where's the possibility in that now ? Gone with the wind perhaps.

I don't know what to think about. I'm tired of sleepless nights, being cranky, feeling messed up and whatnot. I'm only fifteen and this is not how a fifteen year old girl should feel like. People might say, this is a challenge from God, this is how life supposed to be. Yes, I know that but should I be like this ? To not get the rest I should get, to not get to live a day without thinking about these problems, to not get to be happy as in extremely happy and whatnot.
I don't even know that this feeling exists. It's like there's a huge obstacle blocking your way and you have no idea how to get through it. No matter how much you try, you just don't get to achieve that particular goal. Not to mention, the disappointment is just unbearable to handle.

Family comes first, right ? How am I suppose to think of it that way when everything seems to be falling apart ? I'm dead worried of mom's sickness. I even felt like dropping school, take home school so that I can take care of her. Yes, I'm serious, I thought of that. She gave my brother and I the lecture about her being sick and all. I have to admit, I felt like crying and I do feel like crying right now. The pain that she has to bear with and to see how weak she is, just unbearable for me. But what can I do ? I am just another weak, vulnerable human being that can't handle things the right way.
My sister looks fine but I know deep down, she's messed up too. Financial problem and worrying about mom. Unfortunately, she's the kind that doesn't tell people about her problems. So I won't waste my time on asking.

I worry about people too much that I don't even have time to worry about myself. Even if I do have time, I won't even give a flying tuck. Of course, mom said that we should be selfish once in awhile and we should care about ourselves. I just have no idea why I don't have that feeling of giving a flying tuck about myself. I feel like, why bother caring about myself ? I don't mind going through misery and all, just as long as I don't hurt myself, then it's okay. Mhmm that's why.

Remorse, that's how I feel at the moment too. 'Til today, you have no idea how much do I regret making that decision. But I just had to. That's why I'm letting it all out right here. 'Cause I have no one to talk to anymore. The only person who understands me, who knows what I'm going through, who would listen to me babbling, who would be a listener, who wouldn't mind listening to me letting out my problems while crying, who is just a very dear friend, is nowhere to be found anymore.

Now tell me, for a pessimist to face these things, how possible is it to be optimistic ? How possible is it to assure myself that things are going to be alright ? Albeit I think you can never fathom this, just tell me how.

Just Stand Up And Scream

"Like vines we intertwined. Carelessly growing up and growing old. Life was on our tongues. It tasted heavenly so good."

; The Hush Sound - We Intertwined

Farhana Hadi's status : The Hush Sound ; The girl version of Death Cab for Cutie.
HECK YEAH, couldn't agree more baby ;)

I am actually taking a break. Okay I'm lying. I just had this sudden urge to blog. Yes, be surprised ! My mojo is super strong.
It's weird that whenever I have the urge to blog is when I'm so blank. Whilst when I'm too lazy to blog is when I have lotsa things to share with you people (I doubt there are followers though)

Anyhoooo,
Diagnostic is coming to an end, thank God. 9 papers down, 3 more to annihilate. History paper was dope, my brain failed on me, it died the second my eyes read the first question. It proves that my brain hates History just like I do ;) I wasted my time panicking on Indices, but it was missing in action. Yes, paper 1 had no questions on Indices. Sigh ! But Circles had to ruin everything. I did the questions at the very last minute (Specifically, when teacher said "Masa sudah tamat" HAHA). So, obviously I used my shot gun and tembak everything, pyu pyu pyuu ~ Hopefully I won't see a B for that okay, I might kill myself if that happens.

My tummy is grumbling, I might just raid the kitchen like Yogi Bear, grr !

Thanks to my lads and Harisah, I'm listening to screamos again. Asking Alexandria, Of Mice & Men, etc. Of course, Luen sings in school every day. That's why I'm hooked to the songs that he always sings. Curse you, Irish lad ! Okay joke joke, love you. John Mayer every day like yeah ♥
Party in my bedroom every day too cause I'll turn on techno songs, full blast baby ! David Guetta's new song Gettin' Over You featuring Fergie, Chris Willis & LMFAO is the shiz, Benny Benassi's Sweet Dreams and Satisfaction, The Bloody Beetroots, Steve Aoki, and the list goes on and on. Come over and you won't even want to step into Zouk HAHA

Mom realizes that I've been stressed lately, due to the lack of food intake and it has been hard for me to fall asleep. So she said, "Whatever that's in your mind, whatever that's disturbing you, don't think about it. You can't torture yourself like this just because things aren't on the right track. But remember not to blame anyone or anything". So I told her that I made a decision for someone's sake, not giving a damn about my own sake. She said, "Why did you that ? The first thing you need to care is yourself. Of course it sounds selfish but you can't care about other people first, then yourself. There are things that you need to be selfish. Like now, you decided on something that you think it's for someone's sake, that person's happy but what about your happiness ? Think about it". Yes, I remember every single thing she said and yes, that shut me up. I'm lucky to have someone that can read me, understand me, sense my mood and whatnot ♥

This is such an inappropriate post. So boring and nonsensical. I should be studying but no no no, my mood to study is still in Far Away land. This reminds me of Shrek ! Imma drag my ass to the cinema to watch Shrek soon, mhmm.
Heck, ain't this a happy post ? It looks like it. So be happy people, smile, wink, show your teeth to everyone ! Unless you have teeth like those pirates, arrrr :B

Formspring me ; http://www.formspring.me/HazwaniAZ

Reproduction is waiting for me. Oops I mean, Science.

Soldiers, You've Got To Soldier On

"Tell me the truth, is it love or just Paris?"

; Ladyhawke - Paris Is Burning

It's 0700 and I pulled an all-nighter to digest as much facts as I can. You have no idea how serious I am when I said that I want to get better results on my Diagnostic than my Intervensi 2. My result was a joke, I swear I'm not kidding.
Unfortunately, I won't say that my study session was fully productive. Blaming bloody distractions, as always. My mind was wandering elsewhere and I had to be a listener and/or adviser to a friend of mine since he was going through a rough patch (Be strong, boy !). Mhmm so much for burying my head six feet under books.
You have no idea how disappointed I am of myself. But to hell with it, at least I did study. I've finished revising Maths and I might say that I understand every bits of what I revised, fuh *wipes sweat* Hopefully they won't slip out off my mind !
Taking a break with a cup of cold Bliss Guava flavored Yogurt Drink then I will continue my struggle with Islamic studies. 13 chapters to catch up with ! InsyaAllah I can finish revising it early. Maybe, before 9pm tonight ? Alright, set ! I just have to avoid myself from the temptations around me.

Now I'm scared of getting eye bags, albeit I'm used to staying up all night (I've stayed up for two days straight a few times, eekk). Seeing my auntie with obvious eye bags gives me the creeps. Not that I'm saying she gives me the creeps or something. It's just that, imagining myself, a fifteen years old girl having eye bags.. Ain't cool okay, ain't cool. I'm getting goosebumps.
Not that I force myself not to sleep or whatnot. It's just that I've been having trouble sleeping nowadays. "Set your mind free before you fall asleep even though people say, before you sleep is the perfect time to think about everything.", a friend of mine told me that. Whenever I try emptying my mind, my attempt fails. It's like my mind has set automatically to think about everything that's troubling me before I sleep. It's not my fault that I can't control my thoughts. My thoughts just love to fly around my mind like a free bird before I sleep I guess ?

A breath-taking view outside my window, 0700 hours.

Rise and shine dear Earth and all whom inhabit it !
A perfect Sunday morning to bright up your day and keep your fingers crossed for a fantastic day ahead of you :)
I should be listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 right now. Minus the rain, of course. But Lovers in Japan by Coldplay will do good.

xx

Heartbreak Ridge Was Never This Arrogant

Karl Lagerfeld, you just made me burst into fits of laughter, you old turd !

Woah, the last time I posted crap was 5 days ago ? It feels like it has been a week or two *rubs chin*

Diagnostic just started today and BM didn't give us any mercy. It wasn't that hard but I wouldn't want to boost my confidence. Paper 1 didn't make me go all fidgety, thank God. I was so worried ! But of course, every time I'll end up getting lame marks. Paper 2 was pure crap, especially section B and C. This time, the government decided to make everything based on facts. So for section B, we were supposed to right on "Cara-cara mengatasi kes jenayah" and section C, I chose to write on "Usaha-usaha melahirkan pelajar cemerlang". I didn't know what got into me, the question about an incident was easier but heck, I gave it my best shot. Fingers crossed, hope I'll get an A.
Tomorrow we'll sit for English paper. I'm not as nervous as how I felt during BM just now. But, Pn. Suzila's marking skill is strict, not kidding !
I can't screw up my Diagnostic, I can't end up with 4A's like my Intervensi 2. No matter how messed up I am right now, that won't be an excuse. Yes, no excuses.

I've been going to and fro, from home to Ampang Puteri Hospital. Mom got transferred from DSH to that hospital. Now she's back home, thank God. I'll definitely give her a helping hand. She seems weak after all the tests, and now she's still waiting for the results from two other tests.
Dad has been quite stressed up for the past few days and I'll be the one receiving tirades from him, for no reason. I get it, you're stressed but you don't need to put all the pressure on me.

Emotional posts will conquer my blog cause well, my life is on a very very long roller coaster ride right now.

My closest friends like Dydy and Sabrina most probably know that I'm the kind of girl who keeps everything to myself. I only let it out when I feel like I can't handle it on my own anymore. People say that keeping things to ourselves isn't a good way. It's like you're pressuring yourself. You're already stressed with the problem you're facing, then you're adding the pressure with the fact that you're facing it on your own. Definitely not a healthy way. But that's how I roll. I keep it to myself til I feel like bursting. Why ? I just don't want to drag people into my problem. It makes me feel selfish. I mean like, it's MY problem and if I tell someone, that person will start comforting me and all maybe. That makes me feel guilty cause I'll ask myself, "Why should they be apart of my problem, listening to me ranting about my problem when maybe, they have their own problems to handle ?". I will feel like I'm carrying guilt with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Now, just try and understand why do I always go on the silent mode. Understand why don't I answer honestly when you people ask me what's wrong. Just understand me for a change.

xx

Jealousy Breeds Killing Sprees

"Here, it's clear that I'm not getting better. When I fall down, you put me back together."

Weezer - Put Me Back Together

Sorry for the hiatus. I've been such a lazybum lately. Okay, maybe worse now heh. But you should kiss my foot for updating my blog right now.

Diagnostic is around the corner. To be more specific, it'll bite me in the ass in 5 days. I shall make myself feel anxious by saying that in my head *plays Jason Derulo's song*, there's only the sound of crickets. 0% of useful facts on education. Okay fine, such a bollock if it's 0%. Maybe around 40% ? No doubt that on History and Geography, the percentage of each subject is 0, frankly speaking here, people ! Yes, my head is blank blank blank. If only I can throw away my laziness and plant the word "STUDY" into my system. That has been my goal since ever ! But the difficulty is just... GAH can die please.
To make it worse, Ustazah said, she's not gonna tell us what's coming out for Agama. So we have to read through Form 1, Form 2 and the chapters that we've learned in Form 3. Macam sikit la pulak ? Zzz.

Anyone volunteers to dig a grave for me ? I feel half-dead already.

My cousin is on a semester break and he's sleeping over for a few days. He didn't just bring along his clothes. He brought along his bloody desktop man ! Hahahaha wicked. After 4 years of not using a desktop (School's desktop excluded), this feels weird. I feel like I'm handling a big machine (y)

Last Monday was our picture day. Izreen brought along his camera which made our day extra good, of course. The class photo session went superbly well. Handed Fahmi Izreen's camera and told him to take pictures of my class during the picture-taking session. This probably is my favorite :

Happy faces of 3 Edison '10 ♥

We had our own photoshoot in class too, hahaha. Fun fun fun ! Not gonna upload any of the photos here though. Feel free to invade my Facebook page ! That is if you're my friend :B


Life ? I sure am on a roller coaster ride right now !
Dad's doing fine, he's okay now. But mom is in the hospital again and waiting for a few results and all. We still don't know what's wrong with her but I hope it's nothing too serious.
And now, here comes the shittiest part of all :)
So, no one goes through an easy-going life. You think you can save yourself from all the disappointments and heartaches ? Sorry but God didn't apply the word 'Fair' to life. Yes, life is like a roller coaster ride. So do your own theme park, ride your own roller coaster. You can handle it since it's your own theme park and your own creation of a roller coaster. You might brag about it, saying 'My life is such an effed up storyline", yada yada. Don't waste your time cause bragging won't make any differences. Why don't you try and do something ? Decide and think of what you should do to makes things a whole lot better. But don't let doubts control your thoughts and decisions. It kills.

So here I am, following what I just wrote there.
I didn't let doubts control my thoughts and decisions. I didn't decide on something that's best for myself. I decided on something that's best for him. This has nothing to do with me, at all ! I mean, if I did it for myself, I won't be going through sleepless nights, mood swings and all. I would be happy right ? Go figure.
To actually see him finding solutions whenever we argue, to see him bear with my egoism, just to see him go through craps like this, is torture. I'm just doing a favor for him aite.
I'm done pretending to be alright with everything that revolves around us. I know, pretending is just like wearing a mask that's written "liar" or "faking it" on it but then, I can't see him getting hurt right ? I don't have the right to get him involved in things that I'm uncomfortable with.
Now, I volunteered to pull myself away, to wave the white flag. I mean without me that girl won't have a problem anymore, she won't need to worry about anything that involves me. While he won't be going through arguments anymore. Ain't that nice ?! I think so too.
I'm not even worried about myself, I've gone through this before so I believe I can go through it again :) Waterworks and regrets probably are my best friends by now. If you want me to give a reason on why am I doing this, okay I'll give you one.
It's because I'm scared of that past. I don't want it to repeat. I'm tired of waiting and hoping, so I don't want to do it again, I don't want to go through it again. Now, does this make me look unselfish ?
Right now, I just hope he's happy. That's all, nothing more, nothing less.


Geez, I hate it when my backache starts to kick in. The cons of having Scoliosis, zzz.
But it's okay, I'm grateful to even have a backbone. Mhmm, an old friend taught me that.

Before I bid you adieu,
Why don't you listen to a few songs here ;
i) Escape The Fate - Bad Blood
ii) Weezer - I'm Your Daddy
iii) Weezer - Put Me Back Together
iv) Usher - OMG
v) The Smiths - This Charming Man

Okay, adieu and have a nice day xx